Depression was a huge burden on my mind, body and soul. It made everything dark and heavy. I could not think straight and was constantly burdened with unnecessary worry. Anxiety was rampant, feeling bad constantly became normal and going to sleep was something I looked forward to. I lived alone and did not go out for 6 years unless I really had to. If I did go out, it would be to go shopping for items I needed and even then I found it hard to do those everyday tasks. It was hard to communicate with people and I kept my head down most of the time. If people did communicate with me they saw my non-interest as my mind was burdened by other things and turned away. I had no confidence, no self esteem, my weight fluctuated, was no fun, had a lack of hygiene, wore dark colours and the same clothes often. Things got difficult and I knew I really lost myself. My mind was heavy, I could not concentrate for more than what seemed a few seconds.
I knew I had to change, to stop seeing the bad in everything. I had to change my mindset and start finding myself. I had to gain my confidence, self-esteem and get back to normal. It was hard, really difficult and probably the hardest thing I have ever had to do. I was in such a deep, dark hole. I had to climb out and had to do so by whatever means. I knew I needed help and turned to the internet where I crawled through so much helpful information. I turned to family who supported me with love and directed me to self help books and religion.
I was alone for so long so I knew I needed to start communicating with people. I lost my ability to really communicate, hold a conversation and even make eye contact – all simple things for most people. I started talking to cashiers even when I did not want to and it made me see how bad I was at small talk and how I had no confidence. Before I got depressed I was good at these things and never thought twice about them. What lead me to depression was a lack of direction in life and I never really knew my path, passion and purpose in life.
“Pay attention to the things you are naturally drawn to in life. They are often connected with your path, passion and purpose in life.” By Unknown
I was taught to focus, get out and do something and even though I couldn’t because of fear and anxiety I had to push myself past those feeling and just do it, it took everything. Once I was doing something my mind was occupied by a task and not those negative thoughts. The more I focused the better I felt. Doing tasks and completing them was a small success and over time that success helped me gain my confidence and self-esteem. I was slowly starting to dress better, clean up my appearance, smelt better and just did the things we people sometimes take for granted. When I was suffering with depression I looked at those people who were normal and wished I could be like that again. Religion and self help books probably saved my life.
I looked back at the times when I was happier and tried to understand the reasons of my happiness. I looked back and saw I had some direction in life with study, friends to communicate and have fun with and general direction. I now try to make sure I have something to do everyday to keep my mind active, I try to smile and talk more with people and I am grateful to be getting back to a better state of mind.
To keep a healthy mind requires hard work which I am now becoming more aware of. You have to constantly keep busy so that your mind does not wonder into negativity. I try hard to look at the good in every situation no matter how bad. If there is a bad situation I try and look at the reason behind the situation, I try to forgive people so that my mind is not occupied with negative emotions. I try and read to educate myself everyday so I can ponder on issues and come to more educated solutions. I’m doing more sport to keep fit and active and overall my life feels better, I feel as if I am getting back to normal and looking back to the state I was in I don’t know how I got the strength to get out and back to feeling more normal.